Hello, my name is Chad, and I'm an alcoholic. This is my first post for Northport Sevs, so I will try to make it a good one. This is the true story of the best 35 dollars ever spent.

The night starts off with my brother, his friend John, and myself heading to a party in some bumfuck town out east. I'm the designated driver for the night (sucks to be me, right?), so we are cruising in my 1984 custom Club Wagon. You may be asking yourself what the hell is custom about my van, well the answer, my friends, is a rape couch. Full 3 seater couch where a 3rd and 4th row of seats should reside. Not only is this couch excellent for raping, it is also perfect for molestation of little boys and/or girls. If you have any younger brothers or sisters, tell them to always accept candy from strangers, and never turn down a ride.

So anway, we get to the party (I use the term party very loosely) and it's a bust. About 15 people sitting around a poorly lit pattio, no one is talking, the crickets are chirping, the whole nine yards. A fairly typical situation, I'm sure you all know exactly what I'm talking about. We spend about 20 minutes there, and a few more people show up, but nothing develops. At that point everyone, including the kid whose party it was, leaves to go to another party that we had found out about. We get back in the van with a new passenger, a friend of my brother's who we'll call England.

England was an english fellow with an english accent. My brother's favorite thing to do was mock England remorselessly.

Darryl: Say, 'Shitter's full'.
England: The shit-eh's full.
Darryl: Ya bloody wank-eh.
England: All you do is torment me, Darryl. I'm not going to take it anymore.
Darryl taps his beer can on England's head.

The next party was only a five minute drive away, and when we got there it was obvious that this was a much better scene. A bunch more people (plus everyone from the previous party), more alcohol, more Metallica, everything was looking up. We spend about an hour or so, just mingling, shooting the shit, the usual. John and I are outcasts in this east end bash, so we just kind of hang around with Darryl for most of the time. One particular point of interest at this party was the varied tastes in music. John and myself were forced several times to turn off some shity emo and replace it with Ride of the Valkyries (classical music is where it's at) or Metallica.

At about 1 am, John, seemingly out of nowhere, offers Darryl 33 dollars for him to piss himself. Well, after a little discussion to make sure John wasn't bullshitting, Darryl proceeds to breach the hull exxon valdez style. The 33 dollars were exchanged, and the urine spread like butter. Now you are probably wondering why it was 35 dollars at the beginning of the story and only 33 now, well that's a much less interesting story. Darryl grinded some fat chick with his urine soaked pants for that extra 2 (she loved it). Throughout the rest of our time there, we tried to get Darryl to shit himself, but he wouldn't do it for any less than 200 dollars, and no one was drunk enough to pay him that much. Other highlights of the night included England attempting to rape a girl and showing his dick to everyone he could, and watching big rig racing at 3 am on espn2.