As I write this, I am in fact awake. I am not asleep. In addition, it seems to be 9:30 AM according to my system clock (which effectively illustrates the power of the random-number generator within my computer). But today the time my clock shows is correct. Well, within an hour anyway. So that leaves the question - why the fuck am I sitting here typing instead of resting comfortably in bed, having fantastic dreams involving creative uses of my genitalia? Why indeed? I have three words for you, friend:

LOUD FUCKIN' MEXICAN YARD WORKERS.



Okay, that's more than three. The point is, something must be done about this wave of LOUD FUCKIN' MEXICAN YARD WORKERS (hereafter referred to as LFMYWs for purposes of convenience and amusement) that is sweeping our nation much like an epidemic virus such as John Travolta. And you know the old saying - "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!". Or maybe you don't, in which case you're a fucking retard because I've heard that shit more times than I can count. Cliched though it may be, I'm convinced it's the answer to this global nuisance!

My landscaping business won't pull any punches. Or maybe it will pull all the punches. I'm not sure just what the fuck that expression means, but rest assured that if someone *can* get punched, they *will*. We'll do all kinds of yardwork, but specialize in the following:

- "Accidentally" leaving well-hidden chainsaws on and running (in "NOISY BITCH" mode) for hours at a time in the middle of the fucking night

- Tree pruning

- Driving drunk in our landscaping truck into the living rooms of elderly persons' homes (if they didn't want trouble, they shouldn't be so fucking elderly)

- General lawn care

- Talking loudly in Spanish during early morning hours

- Shrubbery and weed removal

Once you've ordered our services we'll show up immediately, often in a period of mere weeks; sometimes even to your house! After driving our truck up onto your lawn, we'll unload our equipment, which consists of a few typical gardening implements which somehow have the combined capacity to drown out a LIVE FUCKING GUNS 'N ROSES CONCERT, as well as a few handsome sets of gloves we wear while on the job so we don't leave prints. Oh, and just to add to the confusion, all of our names will be "Hermano".

You'll be able to contract our services by either dialing up our toll-free 800 number for the low price of $87 per minute, or walking directly into our Tolouse, New Zealand offices (remembering to duck to avoid booby traps) and asking us nicely to come work for you. And you're paying our airfare, bitch.