Today's phun topic: Fanatical Ultra-Fundamentalist Christians!

Yeah, the kind that have to douse themselves in holy water every time they hear the word "shit". The ones that live by the maxim "Jesus loves you. Unless you're a nigger or a fag, in which case he wants your flesh to burn." Conclusive studies do in fact show that these individuals are 100% retarded. Plus they smell.

Perhaps most amusing is when these people decide to review major box-office hits. They usually go something like this:

"I was shocked upon seeing 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'. I brought my fifteen teenage sons to the movie, and I had thought it would be suitable for them, with its 'G' rating and the Disney name. I was gravely mistaken. We walked out 11 minutes into this despicable film, counting 472 un-Christian acts. I am absolutely certain that for the entire duration of this film, Jesus Himself wept for the ongoing sin of mankind. But on our way home, we ran over two fags and three niggers! Hallelujah! Incidentally, my eldest son, Everett, has caught a nasty case of strep throat, and since we're hillbilly fucks and we think modern medicine is a direct manifestation of Satan himself, we chose not to treat it, and now he'll be a bloated corpse in a matter of weeks - so pray for us! Really hard!"

Say, here's a handy tip: IF YOU CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE SEEING MOVIES THAT DON'T SPOUT OUT YOUR "CHRISTIAN VALUES" EVERY FIFTEEN SECONDS THEN DON'T GO TO BOX OFFICE HOLLYWOOD HITS. Stay at home and rent "Davie and Goliath XXVII: This Time It's *Personal*". Oh wait, you don't have a VCR because machines are the domain of Satan and hell and fornication. Movies, on the other hand, must be extremely pious and most are probably created by the Pope, so taking the kids to see the latest Friday the 13th flick sure sounds like a good idea! Don't forget to storm out 20 minutes of the way through and warn all your equally psychotic fundamentalist Christian friends! "Loretta, you better cover your eyes at the 14:36 mark, right after the scene where the trucker leaves the cafe. THERE'S A SHOWER SCENE AND YOU CAN SEE 1/200TH OF A MAN'S REAR END. Satan and Jesus will simultaneously KILL you should you be exposed to that amount of nudity."

And don't forget - any sexual urges you may have throughout your adolescence and adulthood (because remember, natural bodily functions = sin) are warning signs that Satan has already invaded you and may possibly be living inside one or both of your kidneys. Your only option at this point would be to go down to the local Christian Organ Removal Clinic and have both kidneys, liver, heart, and a few other unnecessary organs ripped violently from your soon-to-be-corpse, doused with holy water, and cast into a large bubbling cauldron, to eventually be served to the impoverished Vietnamese children working at said facility. Fanatical Fundamentalist Religion - when you just don't want to leave the third century A.D.! (tm)

Dammit, if you're so against the "secular world", then GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE SECULAR WORLD. Enough said.