A dire warning goes out to all Northport students:

We've all gotten used to the general bitchiness of the teacher aides - those rare creatures that somehow manage to menstruate continuously 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. But this year, a new aide is afoot, and she's out for BLOOD. YES, BLOOD. The aide in question is in her late 30s/early 40s, and has short black hair. She is equipped with sensitive radar devices which track any particles of food that may enter the commons, as well as a bad-ass attitude which she'll then shove down your throat. I myself was in the senior well seeking nutrition in a tasty bag of doritos just the other day when I was somehow picked up by her sensors. This not being the first time we had locked horns, she issued me several vague threats ("ONE MAW TIME AND YA OUTTA THE COMMONS!!!111 I'VE HAD IT WITCHOO!!!1"). Unfazed, I proceeded to hide behind Chris Trimarchi, but she saw through the maneuver. Before leaving, she gave me the finger several times and threw a brick at my head. Okay, she didn't, but she WANTED to.

Beware of this unbelievably bitchy aide. Run for your life if you see her, trampling herds of freshmen if need be.