Note: this is a little out of season, but you can make due.

Want to throw a happening BBQ? Then you should start with the most basic element of the BBQ, the food. There are many types of food you can serve at a BBQ: steak, chicken, shish-ka-bobs, hot dogs, or pretty much anything that can be grilled. Even with all these choices, I consider the hamburger to be the holy grail of fire cooked food. Making the perfect hamburger is a fine art which few ever attain, the ideal burger being subjective in itself. Follow these instructions however and you will be sure to keep your guests, as well as your stomach, happy.

The perfect hamburger (with onions)

Materials
• Outdoor BBQ grill (charcoal preferred, but gas is acceptable)
• BBQ'ing tools (ie. spatula, grill scraper, lighter, etc.)
• Beer/your alcohol of choice (for the guests, not the burgers)
• Plates (often overlooked, but important)
• A sharp knife
• A clean countertop (to make the burgers on)
• Something to spread mayo (knife, spoon, whatever)

Ingredients
• ground beef (1 lbs. makes 3 burgers)
• 1 onion
• american cheese
• quality buns (ie. Martin's Potato Bread Hamburger buns or Marty's BIG Sesame Seed Hamburger buns)
Optional:
• salt & pepper
• Heinz ketchup
• Hellmann's mayonnaise
• Claussen "burger slices" pickles (dill flavor recommended)
• lettuce
• tomato

Preparation
A very important part of the perfect burger, because if you fuck up here, there's nothing you can do to save it later on. It's hard to fuck up though, so don't worry too much, Corky, you can do it!

1. First, dice your onion into small (approx. 1/4 inch cubes) onion bits using your knife. TIP: The sharper the knife, the less you will cry (unless of course you cut yourself, in which case, the amount of crying is completely up to you).
If you are having trouble try cutting the bottom end of the onion off then make 4 evenly spaced parallel slits vertically on the onion (make sure you do not go all the way to the top, you want the onion to still be in one piece). Turn the onion 90° so that the top stays in the same place, and make 4 new slits so that now the bottom of the onion looks like a grid. Cut the onion horizontally from the bottom in 1/4 inch intervals and you should now have a lot of small onion cubes.

2. Knead a liberal amount (as opposed to a conservative amount I suppose) of onion cubes into the ground beef. Make sure they are evenly distributed.
Be sure to have clean hands and a clean countertop before you begin or you could contaminate someone with AIDS or something

3. Divide the beef/onion mix into 1/3 pound chunks.
# of chunks = pounds of beef originally / 3

4. Push these chunks into flat patties. Make them no more than 1/2 inch thick. TIP: When burgers grill they become thicker and shrink in diameter, so be sure to account for this when preparing the patties

5. Clean up the excess onions and cow blood now. If you try to clean after you are done grilling, your kitchen will already smell like shit and will stay that way even after you clean.

Keep reading, you know you can't stop now. It'd be like zipping up and walking away in the middle of a piss. You'd get piss all over yourself, you wet-crotched loser!

Grilling
Raw meat is good, but cooked meat is even better. (Mmmm.... mouthwatering...)

1. Start with a clean grill. Some may say to use a pre-charred grill, that it adds to the taste, this is not so. This is where a grill scraper comes in handy, trying to use other implements for this step often results in disaster and/or embarassment.

2. Make sure the grilling surface is a good height above the charcoal or propane flames or bad things will happen to your burgers. Too high = too long to cook = unhappy guests = the chef doesn't get laid tonight. Too low = black on the outside, pink in the middle = unhappy guests = the chef doesn't get laid tonight. As you can see, this is probably the most important step, since it's all about getting laid. Or something.

3. Light the grill. No jokes for this one, fire is serious business, much like corporate law. Let the grill get hot before using it, or you'll die.

optional step: Take a bunch of paper towels and supersaturate them with water. Make sure there's a couple layers protecting your hands and then use this wad of wet, processed, dead trees to clean the grill again. Not only will you be rewarded with an ultra-clean grill, you will also get the satisfaction of a nice sizzle from the resulting steam.

4. Put the burgers on. Don't let them touch each other or it will be anarchy. Well, that was a lie, it doesn't really matter how you put them on so long as they are parallel to the grill surface (flat side down, in case you were confused).

5. Flipping. This is where the shit hits the fan and the fan gets pissed. Timing of the flip is everything when it comes to the perfect burger. Too early and you'll probably mutilate the meat (rejuvenate the street, while you duplicate, repeat), too late and you'll char it on one side. I prefer to err on the side of caution and flip earlier rather than later. This way I can always flip it again if it's too raw, where if it was charred, it's a lost cause. I like to flip an average of 3 times, but it's personal preference. Use a metal spatula for flipping, anything else would be uncivilized.

6. Cheesing (technical terms only, of course). For those that prefer their burgers as cheeseburgers, apply a sheet of cheese on the top of the burger. This is also a good time to put buns on the grill for those that like a crispy bun (and in this day and age, what kind of freak doesn't?). Only let the burger/cheese combo sit on the grill for a minute or so, you don't want it burning. TIP: remove the wrapper before placing the cheese on

7. Remove burger from grill and place it onto a handy bun.

Serving
Oft overlooked by the chef, the post-grilling element of the perfect burger can be just as important as the actual cooking. Several key elements make up the ideal eating scenario:

1. Plates, napkins, and a knife for the mayo. Easy to ignore, but they inhance the experience and really add the feeling of class to the occasion. Impress the ladies with how organized and thorough you are, or get them drunk... doing both is probably your best bet.

2. Condiments, condiments, condiments. Provide your guests with any and all condiments anyone could possibly want on a hamburger. Some key condiments that no good burger should be denied access to: salt & pepper, Heinz ketchup, Hellmann's mayonnaise, Claussen "burger slices" pickles, raw onion slices. I drop the name brands only because the generic brands don't even come close. Even other name brands suck compared to these favorites. You could also go nuts and break out the lettuce and tomatoes, but unless you are making massive amounts of burgers, it'll be way too much work for such a small gain. Unless you are also grilling up hot dogs, don't even take the mustard out of the fridge. This is New York, mustard does not go on hamburgers here. 'nuff said.TIP: get all your condiments over to the eating area before you start grilling, trust me

3. Alcohol. Give your guests something made from fermenting grains. It's a scientific fact that things taste better when you're drunk.

4. Enjoy.

Post-eating

1. Ladies love a man who can cook, use this to your advantage. Here's some pickup lines that should help you out:
• Hey bitch, do what the apron says and kiss the chef!
• Hey bitch, do what the apron says and give the chef head!
• Hey bitch, do what the apron says and fuck the chef!
• Hey bitch, do what the apron says and enjoy Kraft products!
These even work without the apron, you just have to use a little more alcohol.

2. Clean up. Sucker! Ha ha.

Bishop said he'd write another piece about the perfect burger without onions, but we'll have to see whether that pans out or not.