Since we were children, we have always been taught that Santa is a kind and benevolent manifestation of all that is good about Christmas. He makes toys of children, he employs freaks to lead his sleigh pulling team, and even married a fatty. Seems like a pretty good guy, right? WRONG! I've compiled a little list of all the things that I think shows how Santa is not really the nice guy he says he is, but a dangerous creeper who poses a threat to little kids world wide.

1. Santa sneeks into houses in the middle of the night.
2. He uses the chimney to avoid the alarm system.
3. He eats your cookies and milk and doesn't even leave a thank you note.
4. He has hundreds of little children a day sit on his lap and tell him their most intimate desires.
5. Santa keeps elves in his sweatshop at the North Pole where there is no hope for escape or rescue.
6. He gives presents to little children so that they will love him and continue coming back year after year even though they know how wrong and dirty it is. This is how child molesters work too, except Santa has a sleigh instead of a van.
7. He has a giant beard. The only other people known to have giant beards are wizards and Hell's Angels, and I don't think he's a wizard.
8. Santa uses an endangered species to pull his "magical" sleigh. By some estimates, he forces them to travel up to mach 3. This cannot be healthy for the animals.
9. He works one day a year. He spends the rest of his time vacationing at orphanages taking advantage of little boys.
10. He made out with your mom.

Now anyone other than Santa who did this kind of stuff would be locked up and the key would be tossed in the incinerator where it would be turned into ozone depleting smog (and to think, we used to just throw the key away). Santa has less in common with good creatures like the tooth fairy and the great pumpkin, and more in common with a Catholic priest. But instead of condemnation, we praise him as if he was a god among men. In turn, I am going to start the anti-Santa coalition. Leave a comment if you want to help me in my crusade to spread the word about this menace to society. I also want to know about any other suspicious activities you have seen Santa taking part in, we need cold hard evidence to get him off the streets and into the electric chair.