And now it's time for a little something I like to do here on this ludicrously green website known as NorthportSevs, answer questions you never wanted answered. My tool of the day will be evolution, a theory devised by the moderately great Charles Darwin. Even though most of you reading this have taken biology, I'm sure about 95% of you don't actually know how evolution works. Here's a refresher: A species is chillin, not doing much. Then one or more offspring from that species is born mutated. If this mutation is favorable for the environment, that offspring will go on to spread it's mutated genes. If the mutation is not favorable, that offspring dies a horrible mutant death. Like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Eventually after a lot of mutations and fucking, the species evolves, and is no longer the same species it once was. There's a lot more to it than that, but when your audience's average reading level is on par with that of a retarded 6th grader, you can only go so far before you lose them. Anyway, on with the questions.

1. Why does fatty food taste good?
Fat is a good thing to have. It provides a lot of energy in a small amount of space. As cavemen, and monkeys before that, those who could consume the most fat would be the most likely to survive. If fat tastes good, you are going to be more likely to eat it. All the monkeys who couldn't get enough fat survived, while the ones who passed on it, died. The surviving monkeys fucked the night away and made more monkeys who liked fat. Hence, fat tastes good.

2. Why does shit smell?
Presumably way back in history, there were some monkeys who liked the smell of shit. Smelling good, they probably ate it. They died. Viola.

3. Why do girls always go for asshole guys?
Back when evolution was busy separating the men from the boys, and natural selection was selecting the few and the proud, the more selfish you were, the greater your chances of survival were. Sharing your fresh elephant carcass was not going to help you win friends and influence neighbors, it was going to get you less food. Now the typical asshole guy's main fault is basically just an overwhelming selfishness problem. There's other things that make someone an asshole, but when it comes down to it, we're just dealing with with a selfish prick. So, what advantage would this serve a female, to be coupled to this male who lives only to serve himself? By selecting the male that is most likely to survive himself, it also improves her chances of survival. Selfish as he may be, the male will spare a wing every now and then if he's looking to get laid. Females that chose the nice guys instead, died (not as horribly as Stay-Puft, but dead is dead).

4. Why do guys cheat more than girls? / Why is a slutty guy a stud, and a slutty girl a slut?
Males were most likely to have their genes live on if they sowed their wild oats all over the place. Females were most likely to have their genes live on if they found the best male to propagate with. Out of this evolved the norm where guys are naturally slutty and girls are naturally not. When man tries to make rules that go against this natural order, shit's not gonna go smoothly. The monagamous society that we live in suits the natural inclinations of girls just fine, but for guys it really doesn't work so well, so guys cheat. As far as the stud/slut thing, guys who fuck a lot are just doing what they should be, and girls who do the same thing are going against their genetic programming. Society is just doing it's job in trying to set things straight.

5. Why is sex so damn awesome?
The main function of life is to reproduce. As living organisms, this is how we are wired, plain and simple. But... but... life is the pursuit of enlightenment, and love, and blah blah blah. No. You are alive so that you can fuck, nothing more, nothing less. If fucking feels good, you are more prone to do it, etcetera, etcetera. You know the drill.

6. If all this evolution crap is so true, why are people who can't tie their shoes still alive?
Real Deal Holyfield evolution stopped when medical science moved beyond letting blood to draw out the evil spirits. Everytime you have to deal with someone who you just can't belive is still living, remember, it's your doctor's fault.

7. Where's the beef?
Sorry, that's just one even evolutionary theory can't tackle.

If you felt that wasn't funny enough, go ahead and leave a comment. I know you will. It's herd behavior...