I love receiving spam. Whatever you want - be it absolutely FREE (yes FREE!!!) psychic readings, kEwL cYbEr LotTeRy opportunities, Korean fetish pornography, or insurance quotes - it's *all* available through the wonderful world of spam!

Now, I've gotten used to spam to the point where I no longer jump up and down excitedly upon receiving it, shrieking "YES!!!! 3.47% OFF VINYL SIDING AT SEARS BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 6:30 PM AND 6:52 PM THIS SATURDAY!!! I AM THERE!!!!11". But this piece of mail I got this evening ignited a spark within me. The spark I then used to light the trail of gasoline leading to the fusion bomb I keep handy for just these occasions. Here's the message in all its glory. My comments are in this fucking slanty text.

Lottery Winnings

Get free help with horoscopes and lucky numbers. Increase your odds of winning the lottery. We have helped thousands win big $. Go http://www.onlinepsychic.com/indexmnr.html

You know, I just looked around and realized something. I live in a fucking trailer! Plus all 9 of my kids are riddled with diseases! If only I won the lottery I'd be saved. But only multi-millionaires and 907 year old living corpses in rest homes ever win the lottery! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? That's what I was saying to myself (out loud) just this morning, though the words came out muffled being that I had the barrel of my Colt .45 jammed down my throat. But just as I was about to end it all, what should pop up on the ol' PC? Spam, but not just any spam. SPAM SENT BY JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF. Horroscopes *and* lucky numbers? It's like a candy store, where all the candy is specially designed to get lodged in your throat!

Are you being cheated on?

Odds are you might be. Over 50% of all relationships involve spouses who cheat. We can tell you if your spouse is cheating.
Free readings online at http://www.onlinepsychic.com/indexmnr.html

So THAT's what my wife does all night in the bedroom with my brother while I sleep outside on the ground (even in thunderstorms)! That CHEATING LITTLE CUNT! According to this informative letter (sent by Jesus!) over 50% of all relationships involve cheating. That's nearly half! The wonderful folk down at www.motherfuckingbullshit.com can tell me what's going on - for sure! Without a shadow of a doubt! Somebody please DON'T pinch me, cuz if this is a dream I don't wanna wake up!

You are in luck

You are entitled to one free psychic reading from the nation's leading internet psychic.
Visit http://www.onlinepsychic.com/indexmnr.html today for your free reading.

100% Accurate

Our master psychics can predict your future and unlock hidden secrets to make you money, find you love and romance, and secure your happiness. You get one free reading anytime, so visit http://www.onlinepsychic.com/indexmnr.html today for your free reading.

It gets even better! They're not just any psychics - they're fucking MASTERS. And they can do more than just predict my future - they can unlock hidden secrets to make me money, too! I sure love money! In a totally platonic way, that is... er... um, I mean... WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE?! Anyway, you can't bother me with your dirty looks, pal. I'm too busy finding love and romance, and securing my happiness. That's right, bitch. Securing my goddamn motherfucking happiness.


Free Reading

Our master psychics can predict your future and unlock hidden secrets to make you money, find you love and romance, and secure your happiness. You get one free reading anytime, so visit http://www.onlinepsychic.com/indexmnr.html today for your free reading.

I wasn't convinced enough already, but now that I've read the EXACT SAME FUCKING PARAGRAPH OVER AGAIN, I think I'll reconsider.


This mailing was done by an independent mailing company.To be removed from all of our services, please send an e-mail to removemenow@soho.comSimply type your e-mail address in the subject line, and you will not be bothered by us again. If you would like to continue your membership to our service, simply do nothing, and we look forward to serving you!

Isn't that thoughtful of them?

Tired of getting loads of paper advertsiements in the mailbox every day?
Tired of spending your own time watching commercials?
Support e-mail advertising.
Save the tress, save the planet, and save your time!
Just delete with one simple keystroke.

Um... yeah! I don't know what the fuck a tress is, but apparently it's badly in need of saving. Support spam! Spam 4-eva! I absolutely DON'T have 80 offers for "13 YEAR OLD TAIWANESE GIRLS XXXXXXXXX HOT READ THIS" and "Will YOU be the next $3472034732059 winner????????? FIND OUT 4 SURE!!!1" as it is now.

Boy howdy! Junk mail is fun. Wow, it's 4 AM. Good night, you wacky readers! Save the tress!