The other day after I made a burger, and as I was putting the ketchup on, I noticed the "no watery stuff" cap that Heinz has recently put on it's plastic bottles. Other than being unattractive as well as completely and utterly nonfunctional, this new cap is also a clever marketing gimmick perpetrated by Heinz.

Now on the surface this cap seems like it would be a convenience, and that's only if it worked, which it does not. However, after more thought, and a pint of rum, a light went on in my head: I really had to take a piss. That taken care of, I got back to thinking. After what seemed like seconds of thought, I came to the conclusion that ketchup did not used to have any "watery stuff". Only in the past year or two has this over-punctuated "watery stuff" reared its ugly head. Now there's probably a simple explanation for this occurrence, like that I'm just a moron who didn't notice that the "watery stuff" has always been there, but I'm never one take the easy way out. (In reality I always take the easy way out, but for me to entangle you in a web of illusion this story to be plausible, just imagine that I don't.) On the part of Heinz, the ketchup helmet, as I will refer to it from here on out, was a brilliant move. They managed to lower the quality of their product and improve their image simultaneously. 95 percent of the populous has no clue what actually happened.

Heinz isn't the only company to pull a scam like this, in fact, there are much worse offenders. The words Vanillie and Millie come to mind, but that could be the booze talking. Another magic word that comes to me like generic advice comes to Miss Cleo is OPEC. Those ragheads drive up the price of gas from a 1.20 to 1.95, and then when they lower it down to 1.70, people feel like they are getting a price break. They successfully raised the price of gas 50 cents, and most people you ask are happy for the quarter price cut. Some would call that optimism, I would call that tur-brainwashing. Get it? In England they call that wit, in America we call it shitty comedy.

These scams all pale in comparison to the most devious scheme ever. This heinous crime was perpetrated by the soft drink bottlers of America. Now, I know you all remember this, but it might take a little prodding, since it's been a while since you last saw one, but all 2 liter plastic soda bottles (as well as 1 liter as far as I know) used to have plastic sheaths on the bottom of them. Today we see the ugly 5 pronged bottom, and accept it as the way it should be, but it is not my friends. All bottles deserve to have black plastic bottoms on them, both for their looks, and their self confidence. This was actually in the original draft of the Bill of Rights, but it got cut along with what would later become the 13th, 14th, 15th, and 21st amendments, in order to save some space. "Back in the day" paper used to cost an arm and a leg, and in the true democratic spirit, wherever they could cut corners they did (Rock Fact: Paper in colonial times cost more greenbacks than Bjork earns in a year, and only the very wealthy, or the very well endowed, could afford any).

Where was I again? Oh yes, bottle prosthetics. You might be saying, "So what, those things didn't do anything anyway," but I disagree. First off, they looked stylish, there's just no way you could convince me that a naked bottle looks better than a bottle with a bottom. Secondly, they provided stability for the overly shaky soda bottle. The next time a bottle tips over on you, you will be cursing the bottlers of America. And last but not least, soda bottle bottoms are necessary for the children. Go find some old activity books from the 80's and you will find a million and one things you could do with these little gems. From growing plants in, to suffocating your siblings, the possibilities were endless. Now, there's no way we're going to be seeing the return of these things anytime soon without some drastic action. One option I see is for one of you little lackey's to go into your local school with your Pa's guns and run around threatening people until you get some major news network coverage. When you have the media suckling on your tit, you can make your list of demands. Put whatever the hell you want on it, but make sure your first request is the return of soda bottle bottoms. It probably - no, make that definitely - won't work, and you'll wind up getting shot by sharpshooters, but at least you'll die for your principles. Well, no you won't, you'll die because you are a moron, but you'd still be doing us all a favor.